space to rent

Posted: November 23, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: pointless shit | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Having my own space is great. Right now though, I have far too much of the stuff. I don’t know what to do with it all.

Last night, I sat here on my own, and got wasted. The sort of wasted you can only get from mixing weed, alcohol, painkillers and tranquilisers. The sort of wasted I probably shouldn’t get when I’m so bloody low and vulnerable. I couldn’t trust myself to socialise on the internet, because I knew any status update, music video, or tweet would be a subliminal message to him, and I really didn’t want to play that game. I don’t want to play any game – it’s the games that really fuck us up. So I sat here alone, looked at the internet, thought about him, and went almost completely insane instead.

I don’t want to do that again. I want to share this song though. Here seems safe enough.

What am I going to do with all the space?

keeping a distance

Posted: November 7, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: this is love | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

We used to live together. I wish that we still did, but at the same time, I know it’s better if we don’t. I don’t really think absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it definitely keeps us from killing each other all the time. More space, less damage. I’m grateful for both.

I can do what I want, when I want. I have the bed all to myself and I can read, sleep, masturbate and cry in it when I like. I choose what music to listen to, which TV programmes to watch and if I just want to sit in silence and stare at the wall, I can choose that too. Having my own space is great.

Sometimes though, I don’t want any space. Sometimes I just want to look across the room and see his stupid face looking back at me. Sometimes I just want him here, with me, around me, in me. Sometimes I feel like a part-time girlfriend, and I don’t like that feeling very much. Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever sort this out and sometimes I wonder if this is as sorted out as it’s ever going to get.

I wish I knew how to have a normal relationship. I imagine it’s nice. Maybe?