so this is help

So. I went to the doctors, and said ‘help’. Every time this has happened, I’ve left with anti-depressants. This time was no different. What I hope will be different this time, is my honesty. I have to be honest if I want the right help. I know it isn’t going to be easy, and I feel sick just thinking about it, but it has to be done. I cannot carry on like this.

I don’t think it’s depression. I think it’s a depressive episode within another, as yet undiagnosed, mental health condition. I’ve gone to the doctor because I’m going through a ‘bad patch’, but really it’s an ‘even worse than usual patch’, because my whole life is a bad patch. This bit is just particularly bad.  And I think the reason my life is such a bad patch is because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

There’s a reason all my relationships are either unstable or toxic. There’s a reason I’m so self-destructive. There’s a reason I’ve done nothing with my life. There’s a reason I’m a glutton for addiction. There’s a reason I’m so scared and confused and angry at myself and the world around me. It’s been like this for most of my life, and I don’t believe in ‘fate’, so there has to be a reason.

Whatever the reason is, these tablets aren’t going to solve it. They aren’t going to organise the chaos in my head, or undo the mess I’ve made of my life. But they will bring a degree of numbness to it, and that’s better than nothing – for now.